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Making peace with it

Often the best poetry dies within, You

Feel short of words and emotions misplaced 

Somewhere inside of you, just lost

How can you interpret and write about feelings

Which keeps evolving and frightening oneself

Isn’t that confronting the truth and am afriad of it

So i just let it be and someday when am strong enough 

I’ll think about it but for now I’ve yet to write a masterpiece. 

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Here how things stand now

About a year, i don’t have you and you don’t have me, unfortunately-

Every second i take a journey to finally move on when i know i just cannot,

got away with few a thing and got myself stuck in a few, i wake up just fine

these days around 7, but then what? I see myself asking that, driving to a

cafe and sitting there and writing about how am coping up with everything,

occasional cigarettes here and there but all and all i think i just need an escape from this. 

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Start of something

is it important that i come up to you and talk?

me waking up every day just to see you isn’t enough

do i need to prove myself more , can’t we live like this

where we both miss each other? where we are always 

waiting for the other to make the first move?

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somewhere

let me pour you some champagne  

you manage to break the toughest

man i know “ME” 

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pendulum swing

And the times I’ve felt weak, times when i felt helpless, reason was always you

not being with you and in those moments i ask myself, what all it took from me 

When i was with you, i always heard silence, your lips wanted to speak, eyes

looked at me in despair and i saw myself in you in disbelief thinking of why i

don’t deserve you. 

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overcoming the forthcoming?

 I look around just to see no on, it’s just me on my bed with a broken foot,

broken heart, broken lungs and what not, this year particularly has been very

tough on me, with her choosing someone else over me, my life choosing

loneliness and depression over everything and now my fate choosing bad

health over good health and now am just tired of acting strong. 

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close quarters

It doesn’t happen when you wish for it

sometimes you have to beg for it

and sometimes pray for it and if even

after that it doesn’t happen you just have to let it be. 

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My 100th

I have made my 100th post today on my blog

am i proud of it ? am i proud of the fact that

i wrote hundreds of poems for her ?

well am i proud that even after writing so much

am not able to get all my feelings out of me ?

am i proud that even after all this she hasn’t read

even one of my poetry , am i proud of it ?

maybe i am , maybe i am not.

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New Normal

How funny ? Some days you just can’t get over the fact 

That you been imagining a lot of stuff , more than what you should , but well

this has been a norm for me , it’s 8 in the morning am at my happy place ,

with my first cigarette and over flowing emotions,  i thought I’ll take it slow

today , but would that change anything , would that change the ending. Well i don’t think so.

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do I ? maybe i do

There isn’t a day when i don’t think of you , when i don’t think of us together

but i have been trying to avoid you as if you don’t matter to me anymore

because deep down i know you would never be mine again , maybe i got

too late , or maybe you were in a rush to find someone who is not me

and no matter how much i think about it , i know i have lost you , in this

process of Loving each other from a distant , a part of me still want to leave

everything and run towards you to Hug you and tell you how much am

struggling without you and how much i want you back , but then a part of me

hold me back from saying all this because it knows i’ll only be hurt again .

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it should not be

You ever had someone in your life , you thought how lucky you are to have

them with you , that you finally have someone who understand you and what

you going through in life and their presence makes you feel less alone and

make you want to get through each day , i found someone like that too

and i newer imagined she would become such a big part of my life , so much

so that my world without them will be so daunting , she was my best friend

she was the only one i use to talk to and share how i feel , we were having our

battles , but we promised each other and we’d be there by each other side

always , i miss her so much now , we not on talking terms , i think she is little

upset from me and i completely understand and feel what she must be going

through and why she did what she did , but i always think about you , as you

use to about me and this separation is making me sick everyday , i don’t have

means to talk to you but remember am thinking of you.

  • TC Sara.

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Rebound

When you feel Like everything is taken away from you

you have difficulty seeing what lies ahead of you , when something

about Everything starts to bother you , and the decisions you take

often lead to regret , so never get ahead of yourself , time does heals

everything , well you got to believe that , as am doing now

few days before i really felt like , this is it for me , i was expecting it to

be my last day , i imagined literally everything wrong with my life

without even thinking about the people who care about me and

how much i am gonna hurt them , behind me , i deleted my blog because

i felt afraid , destroyed a lot of my dreams and aspirations that day

bought a pack of cigarette thinking this will be my last , i get ready and move

out of my house , with tears in my eyes , which i was trying to hide , as i was

going down the stairs i break down and stared crying , i tried to stop myself

but i couldn’t , i cried and sobbed , pick my keys and drive to a cafe i like for

the last time , i sat there with a packet of cigarette and started to smoke

as i did so , i asked myself why i couldn’t be strong , why i feel the way i feel and started to

think of all the things i loved in this world , my aspirations that will probably

die with me today , and i just couldn’t let my dreams die with me the things

which has kept me alive for 21 years , i couldn’t turn my back against it

i knew and i still know it’s gonna be a tough path ahead and who knows

probably i might not be able to do things i always wanted to do , but at least

i have a chance to try , I can try and that is the thing i realized sitting there

that day , If I AM then i can try , if i give up now without trying i don’t know

how far i can go.

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Black or White

You have to be blind to not see , blind in love,  blind till you know you are 

betrayed by yourself for believing she is the one? How can there be one for

you when you not even sure about who are you? A talk of half an hour ,

doesn’t just take away emptiness of All these years.

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i could i should i would

There are days when i miss you more than i should

I try to forgot about you , more than i could

I don’t know if I’ll see another day,  when i certainly  i know i would.

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In between Me and Her

There so much to say , if you may i have my whiskey in front of me and after 2 peg and 6 cigarettes later i think

Now i understand what’s going on with me , or at least i know some part and

that is am all alone now , i thought i found a friend but sometimes the walk

we take is not for much long , they only come to show the way , i know we

not in talking terms when it should be otherwise,  sometimes two good

people create more problems together,  because the complexity of the feeling,

becomes overwhelming,  we try to support each other but we are pushed

even more in darkness in the process of helping each other , sometimes you

need polarity to get thing done , because sameness just adds up to the

magnitude of misery , but I know you are somewhere thinking about me as i

do now , and i promise I’ll get better as i said to you , I’ll not give up on

myself  , if that’s what you wanted for me.

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In between me and life

I can try and count the drop which falls from this roof

Like I’ve been counting my days , days where I’ve felt strong ,

and days where i felt weak through and through

I can try to forget about her or i can just let it be , let it fall like this rain.

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In between my thoughts

There comes a breaking point in Men’s life where what ever

He tries to do , he feels short of it , career love , or anything in between , i

know the past few months have been tough , even waking up and to be able

to carry myself through the day seemed difficult , but i am trying to drag

myself through it , and doing so I’ve realized that i don’t have any soul left in

me now , so much so that i don’t have the desire to carry on. 

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In between Nothing

Would it matter ? If there is one less person in this world

Wouldn’t it bother less ? hurt less to people around me that 

Am finally gone for good , that they no longer have to keep up with my shit ,

that they are finally free to move on with their life’s now Because i don’t think

i have in me to see another day , the people i once loved and cared , have

turned against me , my career has fall apart , my mental health is so fragile

that i can break anytime , am a cigarette and alcohol addict , would i serve

any good to myself and the people i care about , well i don’t think so.

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In between things

What does it mean to feel better anyway , when you are not conscious of

what you are thinking , when the alcohol has taken toll on your body and you

feel light and not stressed , does that feeling mean you are doing better or is

it just that you are happy for this moment only , by lying to yourself and

being in delusion , well wish i knew a better way to tell myself so that i could

finally move on from this lonely place , i had a friend , who i thought was the

best thing that happened to me , she made me feel loved and made me

believe i am more capable than i think , but unfortunately we are not on

talking terms now , she is little upset from me and it’s obvious , i hope i can

tell her how much i care about her and how much i miss her now.

  • be yourself and TC sara.
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A new story

i think i love you enough to not tell you how i feel about you when i want to 

i fear losing you ,but even more i fear the commitments of the relationships

am preparing myself to hold  your hand and not let it go , but am all right

loving you from a distance , where i can just admire you , like I’ve been doing lately.

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that is how i live now

I do know that I’ve Lost you and Lost you for good , i know you

Moved on , But it seems like it’s taking me Far too long to understand

that , It kills me little everyday- the cigarette , the beer and this memory

of yours , I really thought i be able to Move on from this , this defeat

but i don’t think am fully conscious enough to take a decision now

All i have is a big void in Me and no matter how much i try , i don’t

think am getting any better , my feeling for you defies all logic and sense

I had , I think i’ve become quite toxic , i’ve started to make excuses from my

work and career , all i do is drink beer and lie unconsciously , I think the first

few times were out of Anger and pain but now it has become a Habit and a

bad one to be honest , i Never imagined i would turn out to be like this and

sabotage my own life , I am twenty , I feel like eighty on my death bed , thinking

of all the wrong i’ve done and everyday i feel like ending everything for good

but it happens that i see another day , drinking and vaping even more , and

get more guilty for not taking control of my own life and just feeling the blues.

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Keeping myself worked up

Sometimes You Just Know , You Can’t go Far long From here

But you don’t want it to end this way either , because you know

Whether you move forwards or backwards it isn’t changing the Fate

I need to start accepting things for what they are but am having difficulty

accepting it and how can I? isn’t it like praying for your own death

but maybe this is for the best , that i know i don’t have it in me to go

Another day like this without you , without me , Maybe i will stop being so

Hard on myself finally , for achieving the things which am suppose to do

but would that be living ? keeping yourself completely burned out so that

you could just get things done , because that’s what world expects from you

to do , can’t it be without effort , with Love and soul , where i can enjoy what

i do , but i think sometimes you got to push yourself through things to get things

done , even if it pushes you to death , Everything that you do can’t be

effortless like – Falling in Love with her , sipping a pint of beer and smoking

sometimes you got to walk against the motion and Lose yourself in the process.

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Finally i think am doing well

Oh my , why did i let myself go through this torture for like

5 , 6 month , i forget , started doubting what i had , i have?

I was not thinking straight and fell in Love. well the state of

being in love is the cheapest thing to be and most painful

Especially when it’s not self Love ,when it’s not for your development

and wellbeing , i was chasing a girl who wouldn’t care about me ,

i literally was asleep for these months not doing anything and putting

curtains down on my career and family , the people who really mattered

to me , i took them for granted,  for what ? For some lousy relationship with

an unambitious , immature girl , i feel bad for myself , for putting myself

through all this , i don’t regret it happened but i lost a lot of me in this

process , but i think it was important , this realization that am more than what

i imagine myself to be, that am strong and capable of achieving,  someone loving and

caring and i deserve a someone better , who understands me and help in

every step of way , someone who would make me fall in Love with myself

again and not where i just be slave of someone else’s life. I think i deserve

better in every facet of my life , and I’ve realized it the hard way.

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The Last of me

The first cigarette wakes you up

The last put you to sleep 

In between you just smoke to forget her.

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will you do me a favor ?

Oh my friend please don’t kill me

You have given a lot,  please don’t 

Take it all away from me now 

When i have just started to live .

Your support is all i have now 

After all I’ve been through

Am finally moving ahead with my life

Please don’t hold me back , just take 

My hand and keep walking , don’t 

Have me by my throat,  you know right

Everyone is after my soul , please do me a

Favor and be as you are don’t change.

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They never know- Until it’s too Late

how does it matters ? what does it change ?

me confessing her what i feel about her

sometimes feelings loose it’s meaning when said aloud

it can only be felt , this Love , this hurt can only

be seen in the eyes , the way i talk , the way i laugh

when am with her and even after all this is if she says

you haven’t confessed enough , Then she doesn’t realize

my love , this silence , the truth and honestly am not interested

to express what i feel , because i think words fall short

when you try to explain your feelings.

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Maybe someone

what is that we need ?

just someone who comes

sit next to you , without expecting

anything in return.

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Let’s settle it

One puff is never enough

just like My love for her 

Was never enough for her.

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Again-My mistake

i think that’s what happens when you don’t try to take control of your life , you

loose yourself , the one’s you thought where the one who cared about you once.

You realize how wrong you were about this all along , should have seen

in and around yourself to see how alone you actually are ? did you really

believe when she smiled and said , “i know you will achieve everything “

and when she smiles and says ” i support you ” , didn’t your ex said the

same words to you , when you two were along ? Man how many heartbreak

will it take you to understand – the people takes your soul for some trade

off of impulsive pleasures , huh , i don’t know

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No Way

I see people who are on something , compassionate they are , they are

without any agenda of stealing your joy , your soul , they will look at you

wouldn’t say anything , they be , just let this young boy be , let’s not kill his

high , he might be getting over something , let him be , i think if the world is

like that , when they just acknowledge you for what you are , without really

coming at you and giving you false hope . Just being part of the process with

just being there , how wonderful it is.

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Refocusing-Not avoiding

black clouds seeping in the blue canvas, red orange light escaping

beneath some white cotton like cloud , gives a sense of what is forthcoming

the monsoon , a little bit drizzle on my phone screen as i try to write , seems

like summer is now past us , just like my feeling for her , there is something

cold about this wind seems like , who knows some thunder might be around

the corner and this black cloud burst to rain , i think i should savor all this

before the rain start to pour down fast , maybe hope , this season break all

the droughts in our life and give us a purpose , something bigger than ourselves.

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Don’t put yourself through Love

As i take a sip of my drink,  i think and not try to think of things , i don’t know

if this feeling will still hurt me when i grow old in time but i hope I’ll find

better ways to ignore,  fight or be receptive to it. Because now i can’t find a

way out of my head which is imagining a lot of unnecessary things , a few 

beers and cigarettes does slow it down but i think i don’t have any control

over myself now. I want something to hold on too , but at the same time

don’t be attached to it , i want to explore new places so to forget her at the

same time don’t wanna realise there isn’t any place or person who made me

feel the way she did , i just want to move on and move on with her memories

the one’s which inspires me to live , not the one where i beg for her to stay

and she doesn’t care , i don’t want to feel the way am feeling now , but don’t

want to completely loose it as it’s my fuel , it helps me grow.

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Take care of yourself

Few drags in and it gives you a sense of what truth is 

When the smoke goes in and alter with the heart beat

in the moment you have control over every millisecond

of your life , thoughts are more profound , there is no tampering

with the emotions and the idea of what you are facing and

what you trying to avoid for so long , one drag in you feel it

giving you a sense of what really life is all about

you exhale the smoke , it forms itself into some poetry

something which you couldn’t write otherwise

so pure and from the heart without the self , selfless , it’s you

without the Ego.

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Trust the process

i didn’t knew , that when i will completely forget her

i will also have to accept the new normal for me

which is around everyday smoking and drinking just

so that i don’t notice that am walking towards a path of

development , walking alone without her , but at what cost ?

i don’t have any awareness about things around of me ,

i was running from the attachment’s of her feeling so to say

but now i have become a addict to substance which for a moment

makes me feel good about myself , but later puts me in guilt trip ?

i know i want to move on , but at this cost ?

this process of forgetting her , has made me loose focus

on my career and goals in life , now i think everything seems like

a frightening yet beautiful puzzle.

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Another afternoon

overcoming but at what cost ?

i feel dizzy with all this anger , cigarette

and alcohol inside of me .

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survival

i very well remember those afternoon

where i would just lay down and listen

to my playlist and try to hold back from crying

but now after a few months i think i do just fine

i still play those songs and write my poem of how

am fighting , i don’t know if am over everything yet

but it does feel like an improvement from what i was before .

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what and what Not-?

What is not a lie anyway ? When she said i believe in you

and you believed in what she said  rather than believing in

yourself well that  was clearly a lie , when you felt she only

talks to you and laugh at your jokes now you see her with

some guy she doesn’t even like , it leaves you surprised as to

what was all that between you and her , well are you too tough

to convince to do dumb things with her or she over you and

want something easy to handle , someone little less emotionally

demanding , Well i hope i knew.

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what is what- i don’t know

This feeling is not new , when you start to think yourself with her

your world together and the fear that comes with it that you will loose it all forever again ?

Like you did previously with her , you still trying to forget about her aren’t you

Tell me when you saw her yesterday ? didn’t you ask yourself well the life could have been better.

if you and me were we ? but nevertheless you smiled and walked away because

it’s not meant to be , Now when i think about how it’s going with her you feel

not empty , not sad , all right but for how long ? aren’t you with someone

so that so you don’t feel this alone without her but is that what you want to do ?

well i don’t know , but it does save me from breaking down .

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we go all in

Sunlight ? there isn’t much sunlight 

a fight , yes a few more than 12 hr left 

if that all it takes , it’s all right 

i newer left till it’s over , because it’s newer over 

till it takes all of what you have got in you

it can’t be over , i’ll not let it be 

it has to really break me or i should give in

the latter doesn’t seem likely  , so we fight. 

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it’s all just a game

i feel a little hurt because i

believed in the most cheapest

thing that exists “trust”

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yesn’t

Should i message her or should i not

would i get hurt or would i not

shall i persist loving her or shall i not

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when it gets to you

I have a submission to make tomorrow , but am sleeping and avoiding to

write to best of my ability , When you know in a few days whatever you wrote will be thrown into dustbin

so you put your wellbeing above trying to meet the deadline. I slept last

night little late , watching videos online , woke up this morning , thinking of

putting some more rest into my body , but my mother tells me to Attend the

college , I could say NO to her but , but I’ve been saying no a lot lately , I’ve

said no to start writing on my work when it was given to me a week before ,

because i knew i would break down , and i knew at that moment i will not be

able to bear the pain that i have lost her , because how much i try to avoid she has become a

part of me now , and i remember very fondly our first memories together ,

around last semester when you use to call me and check on me time n time

again if am working on my assignment,  at the same time asking me to help

you , sometimes even cursing college together that is how it all started for us ,

and now when i don’t have you , i really don’t have strength to sit on my table and start to work .

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Alone on my own

It’s a Long ride home , i know that for sure 

And what’s happening between us and what

should have happened  i don’t know

But it’s a long ride home without you , i know that for sure. 

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Here is how things stand now

wish i could just write a poem which sums up whatever am going through

right now and how , what and why i feel the way i do but i realised you can’t

really do that , because everytime you see her , it’s always different sense of

emotions , you feel more hurt than before , it feels like i am dead at the same

time there is some part of me which believes in carrying on , with her

memories , with her stories , maybe one day she might come and say i really

should have waited am sorry , but that day is not today , nor tomorrow i know,

that for sure , but they say someday and now am living for that day –

“someday”  where i could either get you or at least say to myself , i’ve finally

moved on and it don’t hurt me to see you everyday in college , you with

someone else , you not caring about us , the moments we shared together ,

the laughter , the cry , the date under the sky , that first meeting when i finally,

felt alive , i have to convince myself to let it go of all this , and it is not that am,

not working for that someday , i really am but this past few months have been,

really challenging i feel like i have lost interest in everything , i’ve started to

develop a nihilist viewpoint towards life and that is not all am smoking like

dozens of cigarettes a day , god knows for what , i thought it would help me ,

but it’s clearly not i’ve become an addict and more depressed than i was

before and now i am fighting as a love addict and smoke addict  and clearly i

don’t know which is more dangerous for me , i am deciding whether i like the

smell of tobacco more or smell of her hair , i’ve become weak to make a

distinction between my love and addiction to get rid of my attachment

now i just want to forget her and forgive myself .

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It comes in waves

I don’t know if am really improving n moving forward or not , because

yesterday when you passed by me in the stairway a part of me which was still

recovering from you , couldn’t hold on and asked you- how are you ? even

when i know we pass that phase where it doesn’t mean anything to you but i

just couldn’t stop my feelings , it got better of me , defying all the logic ,

ignoring all the pain n struggle I’ve been through lately , i just couldn’t care

less that how dead i feel ? because at that moment my heart was pounding

remembering all the good times we had together , and the creative part of

me which writes about you wanted some more stories to tell , so that is that i

just couldn’t stop myself even after been through all this with you.

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being in sync with now

isn’t it difficult they ask ? to live like this 

without the one used to Love

well i used to , that’s the thing 

now i am in love with this cigarette , 

am in love with this moment , where i 

am with myself , with this music , with this 

iced tea in front of me and i think in all ways

the way am living now is better than what i use to 

because it’s ” used to ” that is the past ,only thing 

i have learnt is to newer  cling yourself to

past events or person associated and  especially

feeling , and i know it’s very easy to say , than to actually 

do it , but that’s how you grow , doing things which are emotionally 

most challenging now and for me it’s moving on with my life. 

or at least try doing it.

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Different Narratives

You can’t have the person you love

that’s not how it works , Love is

about preparing oneself to loose

to love is to die before one dies.

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feeling n reeling

Am i ok ?

What is okay anyways?

It’s just our interpretation. 

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this shall to pass – good things awaiting

My mind is going into the wilderness and that is not because i lit seven

cigarettes today , well that does seems like a possibility , but it seems so

trivial an substance to make me feel the way am feeling now , maybe

contemplating a lot about what is wrong and what right has , got to me that i

stand here alone with so much expectation from me and so less hope that i

will achieve it , i don’t know if am living my life anymore , but at the same

time , i didn’t even got a chance to experience death , am somewhere around

nowhere , well i was the one to began this quest to explore , and achieve my

highest creative self , and yes i do feel am better in many ways than i use to be

but the trade off between more creativity and possibility vs mental well being

is very high , i don’t want to loose my creative juice flowing in my body but at the same time

i go through this wide range of emotions daily , where i swing back n forth ,

between life and death , i can’t find anything but , emptiness and this

realization that brother ? this is what it is ? you have changed you can’t undo

what you have done? you can’t just walk back from where you started four

months back the pursuit of love , when you met her on cold December morning , After

going through a lean patch in my life for last two years with lockdown

and quarantine worsening things for me , i finally felt i can try to live again

and love again , after meeting you and we talking , i felt , i can give myself a

second chance , to write again , to think about myself again , to love again ,

so i started to live , started talking to you , started writing the best poems i

even could , the music also seemed nice , the philosophies of life was clear

and i was set free from all the desires i had , because i had Love in my life.

but the problem happens when you start expecting a lot , and start feeling a

lot for that person , and in return sometimes you feel , the love is lacking ? the passion is

missing ? didn’t i do enough ? did i do something wrong ? doesn’t she loves

me ? , why but why ? i feel so much about her ? why doesn’t she loves me ?

does she loves someone else ? did i miss something ? is it that i was blind all

this time and misinterpreted everything and thought she loves me ? brother

that is not how things work in real life ? this isn’t your poem where you can

write and do whatever you feel like , here things happen differently , humans

emotions are tough to dealt with , but my heart couldn’t understand this

it was beginning of things for me , i also at the same time being in the

creative quest , started exploring many aspects of philosophy and spirituality

just to bring myself some solace , at the same time some meditation here

there ,playing some violin , trying new cigarettes everyday , not

sleeping properly , i was trying to hold myself , so that i don’t break and

this time break for good , that few weeks i literally had this pain stuffed inside

of me , for which i had no idea , as to how to deal with it , but i tried my best

like we all do , wrote about it , told a few people i trust , and cried a few

times , as to why this has to happen ? how can she be with someone else

but i think it took me some times to finally cope up with it , i won’t say am

completely over it , i don’t think i will ever will , but it’s just it has died inside

of me now , and i think now i realize that yes it was somewhat important ,

it made me aware of things which i should be focusing on now and things am

good at , like poetry which i almost quit for 4 years but now i write just fine ,

Now i think through , every aspect of my life and my perception has really shaped

up well , now i have a distinction as to what is right and wrong for me , and

at the same time , what is right for me Now , but sometimes , just sometimes , this

perfectly imperfect life am living becomes over whelming for me , i just wish

i didn’t know about things i shouldn’t know otherwise , but that is the bitter

truth , you got to bear a little pain be a little receptive to what is happening

and what is not happening so that , you can live the life you want with certainty of what should happen and

the best that should , could , would happen to me , if i live with clarity and

creativity i carry .